Goals for 2013, and reflections on 2012

I slept terribly last night.  I woke up about every hour, then starting around 4:30 AM I would wake up about every half an hour because I was uncomfortable.  I finally got up at 6:30 AM and started getting ready to head to the walk-in clinic.

I was worried that I wouldn't do very well because I'd be sitting in a waiting room for awhile.  Sitting and standing have not been very good to me.  Lying down as been the only thing to help my back.  I was pretty lucky though, I was in to see the doctor within 15 minutes of checking in!  He was extremely polite, sympathetic and loaded me up full of drugs.  He didn't specifically say that I had a pinched nerve or herniated disc.  He just said, "yup, your back is spasming."  He gave me an anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxant and some gel to put on my back for a few days.  Plus instructions to get rest. He gave me the go-ahead to go on my road-trip this weekend too! So long as I feel okay, I should be okay to go.  I can't imagine sitting for hours and hours in a vehicle with a sore back, but he figures I should be okay to go.

I decided to go to the pharmacy closest to my house, instead of the one I usually go to.  Which was a good decision.  They had to make the gel and said I needed to come back in a few hours.  This pharmacy is in the building next to my townhouse, so all I had to do was walk over later to pick it up.

I spent the rest of the day in bed and experimenting walking around a bit. I felt a bit rough when I first got home, but but mid-afternoon I was feeling much better.  In fact, I'm able to sit at my computer for the first time in days!  Success!

I wanted to share with you guys my goals for 2013.  Not really resolutions, but things to do that I think will make me feel happier in my mind, body and soul.

1. Build core strength! I want to give Yoga a really good try.
2. Be under 200 lbs and celebrate it.
3.Weigh less than Dan.  His weight changes depending on the time of year and how much work he is doing, but I don't really care what he weighs so long as I'm less! 
4. Try more recipes in 2013, including trying more foods.  I also wish to try foods from the books "The Game of Thrones". (Big surprise, hey?)
5. Run 10k by December 31st.
6. Have better posture and quit slouching.
7.Tour a part of the U.K, preferably Scotland.
8.Write in a personal journal or start a memoir.
9. Draw more.  I haven't drawn at all in 2012. I seem to go through drawing stints, and I was totally uninspired in 2012.  I hope to build more discipline with my drawing this year.
10. Read more.  I love to read, but always make excuses to do other things.


2012 overall has been a fantastic year. I hit my 100 lbs lost, finished C25K, ran a virtual 5k (and continued with my running!), and I have started this blog which makes me infinitely happy.  I have discovered so much about myself this year, it's fantastic.  Losing weight is like peeling the layers off of an onion.  Not only does the onion get smaller, but you reveal what was hidden underneath.

I've learned that I am capable.  I'm capable of doing whatever I set my mind to, and I'm capable of forgiving myself when I can't.  I've also learned that I really *do* think that I am beautiful.  It's easy to look in the mirror and pick things to hate about yourself.  At 335 lbs I thought that I was so disgusting, and that if I could get to be even 30 lbs lighter, I would feel so beautiful.  Well at 30 lbs lost I didn't feel beautiful, and at 80 lbs lost I didn't feel beautiful.  Even now it's hard to look in the mirror and like what I see.  But there is a difference between liking what you see and loving yourself despite it.  Nobody is going to love a chubby tummy, stretch marks or saggy skin.  But I love myself anyways.  My body shows a story, and a story that I have written.

Lately I've been buying more girly things.  Recently I bought a pink Princess Peach case for my Nintendo 3DS.  It's incredibly girly.  I told Dan that I wasn't sure what I was thinking buying it, it's just *so* girly!  Normally I would have bought the green Yoshi case, but for some reason I just loved the girlyness of the pink case.  Dan said that maybe it's because now that I'm more comfortable in my own skin, that I now feel more comfortable being girly. It was like a light bulb went off!  He was absolutely right!

When I was bigger, there was no way you where going to get me into a frilly pink anything.  I hated all of the "Princess" stuff that was in style a few years ago, and if it shouted girly or femininity I shied away from it.  I thought that I would look like a complete joke toting around anything "girly".  Just imagine a girl, with a large belly walking around the mall with a pink "Princess" purse.  To me I would have been a giant (pun intended) joke.  Now I'm ashamed that I didn't embrace what was really me.

I'm not really into a lot of girly things.  But now I think it's okay to embrace my femininity.  It's okay to be sexy, it's okay to wear pink.  I'm glad that 2012 brought me that realization, I just wish that I had the ability to embrace it long ago.  However I have to remember, that this is a journey and each year layers and layers are peeled away. I will get to them when I do, and not a moment before.