Reflecting on the past year

Sorry for the lack of posts! I've had a real whirlwind of a week!  If any of you are gamers you will know that the past few weeks have had some major video game launches and of course that means our store is very busy.  Not only that but we had inventory last week (who schedules inventory for LITERALLY the busiest week of the year?!).  Silly head office!

So after my last post I headed off to work for the day.  It was a long day of running around and getting the store cleaned up and inventory worthy.  When I was closing the store I found out that Dan will be home late from work so I wouldn't see him that night. (Since I had to be in bed as soon as I got home in order to wake up for inventory the next morning.)  Then he said he was leaving the next day for a camp job (they put the guys up in portable shacks instead of them driving all the way home then back) for a few days.  He would be leaving right when I would be getting home from work so it was doubtful that I would see him.  As our district manager said, we'd be "two ships passing in the night."

On Friday I got up at 5am (I slept in!) to get to work in time for inventory.  I had only about 5 hours of sleep and was drained all day, also  I found that eating breakfast so early makes me hungry for lunch much earlier in the day (like 10am!).  The DM's had brought doughnuts so I stopped to have two of them throughout the hours since we didn't have time to stop for lunch until later in the day.  I was upset that I had them, but it ended up fitting in to my calories anyways at the end of the day.

After work I found out that Dan's job had been delayed about 45 minutes so I got to spend precious time with him chatting since we hadn't actually talked in a few days.  I found out he was going out to work night shifts.  I was hoping he would have enough time to talk to me between him working nights and sleeping since we'd be on opposite schedules.  Thankfully we got to chat lots since they where done work early every night!  Usually when he's gone on camp jobs I don't get to talk to him much-- if at all!

After Dan left for work I decided to buckle down and do the 5k run I had planned.  I decided to do a run that didn't include my warm up or cool down time, just to see what my "real" 5k time is!  It was HARD.

So my official FIRST 5k time is 43:20.  I was pretty discouraged with this time, I started out really fast at about 4.5-4.7 mph but I could only keep it up for about 20 minutes.  I think the lack of sleep and all of the stress weighed down on me during the run.  I was determined to finish, but I was angry at myself when I had to slow down and walk.  I've decided from now on that I'll stick to my regular running schedule and work on speed, then increasing the time and distance later.  Doing all at once was a bit much!

When I was done the 5k I made a quick supper and was in bed by 8 pm! 

On Saturday I had another full day of work, and I think stress was oozing from my pores.  Usually I don't work so many hours, but during the Holiday season there is just too much to do in the store.  There are 4 of us working full-time when there's normally only 2.  We could probably use another person full-time too.  

When I got home I made eggs Benedict (one of my FAVORITE dishes!) but I could still feel the anxiety rising.  I don't know about you guys, but when my anxiety gets too high I feel slightly panicky.  I think I cried to Dan on the phone (but then he had to leave for his work shift at camp).  I'm very very ashamed to say that I binged.  I went to the convenience store and bought a sub and chips.  My calories for the day where around 2000!  I regretted it once I climbed into bed. I felt so bloated and terrible. It upset my stomach so much and it didn't do a lot to make me feel better at all.  This blog is a journal of my struggles and successes, so here is a struggle I didn't want to share.  I'm doing so fantastic, but sometimes stress creeps up and I just couldn't hold myself in check.

On Sunday I went to get some groceries.  While I was there I picked up some pre-cooked chicken.  I don't normally buy stuff like that, but I figured that since I was so compelled to eat junk lately and I've had such high anxiety that buying the chicken will take one thing off of my to-do list.  This way I can toss it on my salad for work, or heat some up for my supper without spending more time cooking and washing dishes when my time is already stretched thin.  I definitely don't like the stuff enough to buy it all the time, but this week it was a life saver.  I also got some cans of Tuna (in water) so I can make quick meals with that too.

One thing I made with the chicken was tortilla pizzas!

This is probably one of the easiest meals on the planet to make, and it's soooo yummy.  I made it with light cheddar, mushrooms, peppers, chicken and pizza sauce.  However you can obviously put on whatever toppings you desire!  I've used Tzatziki as a base, or use peanut butter and bananas! Yum yum!

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Yesterday I had another run scheduled.  I just did 30 minutes of running instead of focusing on distance.  I noticed that over the past two weeks my feet keep clunking against each other when I run.  I'm afraid I'm going to trip myself up.  Every once in a while my weight loss catches up with me and I get a little clumsy.  Sometimes my balance is a little off (I think I'm bigger than what I am so I sometimes "swing" my body to get around something when I don't need to, thus I tip over or trip!).  Lately I've been tripping over my feet!

Ever since I could remember my feet have pointed slightly outwards (think like a penguin), but this year they're pointing more straight, like a normal person.  Plus my thighs are smaller so now my feet keep clipping each other when I walk/run!  It's cool, yet annoying.  I hope I stop being clumsy soon.  I'd really hate to trip on the treadmill!

Juuussstt under 5k. Includes my warm up and cool down.

While I was running I started reflecting on the past year and how my running has progressed.  Last November I would work about 3 hours and my legs would cramp up so badly that I thought that I wouldn't be able to walk.  I would even get cramps in my arms.  Washing dishes was hard on my arms.  My jaw would cramp up just eating a sandwich!  I couldn't even think about going for a walk down the block, let alone running!

One day after a regular day of work my left leg started to cramp so badly I cried for hours.  It cramped up in the front by my shin and just above my ankle.  My big toe pointed straight upwards and there was no way to stretch out the cramp (like you would with a calf cramp).  It felt like my big toe was going to be pulled back against my foot and snap.  The cramps happened daily. I was so naive  I thought that my muscles where doing that because of lack of exercise.  I thought that I deserved it.

Now I can run on a treadmill for 40 minutes! Now I can run 5 kilometers!

Last winter I would freak out if my feet got too cold from being outside too long because I knew that meant I would get foot cramps.  I would have to massage them and wear two pairs of socks to bed so they wouldn't get too cold.

Now I can go for a hike and my only worry is losing energy, not my body failing.

Sometimes I get frustrated at myself for not being able to run faster, for not being able to run longer.  Then I remember that it was just a year ago that I couldn't even walk down the block without worrying about the consequences.  Go grocery shopping? Nope, I couldn't even do that without worrying.  Without wondering if I would make it home or if an employee would find me sprawled on the floor of their store massaging my leg muscles because they ached so badly.

There where so many times where I would wake up Dan in the night to help massage aching muscles or leg cramps.  Or I would call him crying because I couldn't stand it.  I know it sounds pretty severe.  It started so slowly that I think that I started getting used to how often I felt awful and achy. It took over a year of it slowly progressing to that point.

Part of me wonders why I didn't want to go to a doctor earlier.  But really, I was afraid that the doctor would say that I was just lazy and needed to workout more.  Or that I was just making it up because they found nothing wrong.  I know, not the smartest move.  But it also goes to show how low I thought of myself.

I might get discouraged about how slow I run, or how short the runs are.  But damn I have improved a million times over last year.

I'm thankful every damn time I can run.

Because last year I couldn't even go grocery shopping.

If any of you wondered where I got the blog name, "Daphne Alive" you should know by now.  I came up with the name when I reflected on the past year.  I feel damn lucky to be alive.