Relapse

Every few weeks I still get a request from someone.  To either offer up advice, or to please continue writing in my blog.  I'll be honest, I think about this blog daily.  But mostly I think about how ashamed I am.  Some days I feel like a giant fraud.  Why?  Because of a reason that's actually really stupid.  I gained weight.

I had a very rough winter and spring.  I had postpartum depression, and because of the unknown nerve issues in my feet I didn't leave my house for weeks at a time.  These two things together created a volatile mental state and I relapsed.

The good news is, is that I am slogging through the muck, but now I have help.  I have decided to go to counselling and now the shame isn't so big and I don't feel like a fraud 100% of the time.

One thing I have learned is that if you have an eating disorder of any kind, seeing weight loss photos and hearing about calories and weight loss or gain can be triggering for some.  So I have decided to remove the photos from the sidebar.  I have also decided that I will try to avoid talking about calories, weight gain or loss in number form.

I know that when you are in the weight loss mindset you know all about calories.  You count them, you feel good when you stay within calorie range for weight loss, and you know how to exercise to eat up extra calories.  Through counselling we discussed no longer counting calories and instead being free of calorie counting all together and eating intuitively.  To be honest this thought scares me.  How do I know how "good" I'm doing?  How do I know if I will lose weight?  I need to see numbers written down in my notebook; those numbers when added up must equal under a certain range for me to feel good and secure.

Aha.  That's it right there.  Using calorie counting to make me feel good about myself.

 When I binge eat, I eat to have control over my emotions.  I eat to feel good.  So when I was losing weight I instead used calorie counting to feel good about myself.  I just transferred my coping mechanism from one thing to another.  Some might say that it's a good thing. "At least you're losing weight".  I can hear the comments rolling in already.  But if it's a good thing then I wouldn't have relapsed.  If it was a good thing then I wouldn't see calories as "good" or "bad".  Instead they're just numbers, and it's just food.  What I need to work on is the problem that lead me to having a coping mechanism in the first place.  If I chose to calorie count later, then I will.  But until then I will not use it to make myself feel better about myself.  I have to do the dirty work and find out why I binge eat in the first place.

So now you will see that this blog is now about my journey through binge eating, and not a journey through weight loss.  I may post photos, but I will avoid "before & after" photos simply because they are triggering for some, and really unnecessary.  My journey is to be healthy in both body and mind, not just to be a certain size.  (okay, I don't totally believe that yet.  But I hope I do one day).

To update very quickly.. William is now 11 months old!  He is crawling everywhere, walking along things and today he started standing without holding onto anything!  We are already planning for his birthday!  My how time flies.