How to start..

How do you start a new blog post when you haven't been blogging for years? I have been sitting starting at the screen wondering how to start!

There. Now that thought is out of the way and I can say hello! My it's been awhile hasn't it?

Recently I was talking to someone dear to me, who also didn't write in their blog for a long time, but found they missed it and got what they needed from writing down their story. Blogging is a lot like journaling, except made for an audience. I can see how it can free your spirit! Inspired by them I decided to contemplate how I felt about writing again, and I felt like this could be good for me too. I originally avoided this blog, the thought of it filled me with shame. I had trouble pinning down all the reasons why I had shame (there where many), and I had to give myself time to figure out whether or not I should even feel shame. But years away from blogging have given me lots of perspective. Perspective on how I operate as a human being, and perspective on what I wrote and whether or not it was appropriate or harmful to others.

Harmful? Well when I was originally writing in 2012-2013 I showed before & after pictures from weight loss. I talked a lot about food, calories, exercise and so on. That absolutely can be harmful or triggering to some. Or inspiring to others. After going through counselling I found that some of what I shared was in the realm of disordered thinking. I don't want to contribute to eating disorders and disordered thinking, so I stopped my blog completely and took time to think really hard about myself. I didn't know what to share other than disordered thinking, so I didn't share at all.

Going forward, this blog will be a re-telling of the last 5 years, the changes in my mental and physical health, my many struggles with both and what I'm looking forward to in the future. The years have been filled with ambulance rides, travel, funerals, several disease diagnoses, a new home and the exploration of who I am in the midst of everything good and bad.

I hope you stick around for this new style. Occasionally I will get someone who remembers me from blogging. But I don't want to be remembered for dramatic weight loss photos. I want readers to come for all of the nitty gritty and love I can share rather than satiating curiosity by looking at my old photos. Although I was remembered for them, it made it harder for me when I relapsed and gained weight. I was a failure to not just myself but to everyone. Now I know I'm not a failure, but I was someone who didn't have the right tools. I quickly realized nobody wants to read a blog about eating "right" and "healthy" from someone who gained weight. I was a spectacle, something people can read, feel inspired, but don't necessarily learn anything from. Instead I wish to tell stories and change that.

A new blog

I have thought often- weekly about continuing to write in this blog. I wonder what the content would be about? I really wanted to show raw feelings, show the hard reality of weight loss and the bright-as-the-sun happiness from attaining such a hard goal.  But now I have gained weight back.  What does that mean? Does that mean I'm a failure? Does that mean I'm weak, lazy, or that I didn't try hard enough? Does that weight gain revoke my right to talk about weight loss or my opinions? I will say no, absolutely not. But I'm desperately afraid that anyone who reads this will think otherwise. The internet- and society is largely cruel to fat people. The same people also praise and almost worship massive weight loss. Never have I felt more loved and admired than when I lost weight and that admiration is easily lost. Gain a pound, or a handful and it's okay. Gain 20, 50, or more and my character comes into question. Somehow I'm flawed.

That still doesn't answer the question, what would I write about? I want to write about my life. I want to write about Binge eating disorder(BED) with all it's complexities. I have learned a lot about myself since I have relapsed, it was a gift in a way. After my relapse I entered eating disorder therapy and ever since my emotional self has been largely raw and large wounds have been left open to heal properly. It's uncomfortable, and confusing. But slowly I am healing and understanding more and more as to the why of my life. Why I am the way I am. And that's what I want to write about. What makes me me. What makes an eating disorder. But I also want to talk about much more than that. Eating disorders encompass every aspect of your life. 

I will be starting a new blog. It will be separate from this one for the simple fact that I want it to be more private. If you want the address to my new blog feel free to ask, I may however decline to add readers. I'm uncertain yet about who I want it open to.

With all that said I will now close this chapter of my life.